I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.

I got home around 1:03 am.. Only a few moments ago. About twenty minutes. We went to see a movie. I saw people I knew. I know for a fact that they saw me. And you know what?.. He didn't 'see' me. I wasn't alive to him like I was before. I'm dead to him now. He looked right through me... and it hurt.

It hurt. It took every ounce of energy I had not to cry in front of my mother. In fact, I'm still crying now.. though I think it is a little because of the cuts I just made. I uh, I sprayed hair-spray on them to make them sting. At least that way I can give myself an excuse for crying. I'm not wiping the blood off like usual. I'm letting it do what it wants. I want to see it. I want to know that I am still alive.

I want to know that even though I tried yet again, I've failed to end it. I hurt so bad.

I'm so scared. I'm scared of cutting myself so deep that it'll never stop. I'm scared of what will happen if I cut deep enough to pass out, ... but not to die. I want so much for him to be back. I want to know how I ended up like this.. How I became this..this person that I am.

Where did that innocent little girl go? Who took away her smile? What caused her to vanish? When did that lively sparkle, that lust for life.. When did it fade to pure emptiness and despair?

I see my death..and next to it, my life. I am looking at my past, present, and future all together yet there is something.. something not quite right.. I'm not in them. I'm here, on this cold floor, leaning up against the wall, eyeliner cascading down my cheeks on roads of acid tears.. I'm here, watching blood pool on the tops of my hands, and on my thighs.. I'm here, fingers shaking, soul broken, typing this entry for all to see. And all the while, knowing that I'm breaking promises.

Promises to call certain people if I need them.. Promises to stop.. Promises........Pro..mises are nothing more than words. Just like sorrys and i love yous. Nothing but words. Actions speak louder than words, don't they? So tell me.. what am I telling you right now?

Let me make it easy.. this... this life. It isn't a life. This is my death. Breathing this air, everything, this is worse than physically dying. And the absolute worse part of this entire little entry of mine..is that I can't escape it.

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Five Most Recent Scars:
Existence can Remain on another Atmosphere - 2004-12-20
The End of a Fallen Angel - 2004-07-19
Still here - 2004-05-25
Heehee heee... I'm back.. sort of - 2004-01-22
Angel's breaking his hold... he's fading - September 12 'o3